My Kind Of Wedding...

This has nothing to do with me finding a hot chick & drooling over her, or me marrying the daughter of US President or me taking security measures against terrorism. The heading is related to a fear which got over me when one of my good friend, Vinayak, gave me an imagination of how he’ll laugh at me when he gets to know my marriage has been fixed with a beautiful girl. The following situation described is all about how I would be keeping people like Vinayak, Akhil, Joy, Saurabh, Ziaul, Nathan, Sunny, T.P, Surbhit at bay during such situations.


Starting from the outer circle, 500-700 mtrs away from the gates of the marriage hall will be a battalion of RIOT POLICE specially flown in from Germany (FYI, a battalion consists of approx. 800-900 men), all equipped with batons, full body protective gear, transparent shields, tear gas (if needed) and loads of rubber bullets.


Then, the inner circle, 0-200 meters away from the venue will be covered by men in uniform ; not state police like Delhi police or Punjab Police havaldars… definitely not. There will be men from UK’s SPECIAL AIR SQUADRON a.k.a SAS , and my favourite, S.W.A.T team from NYPD, all spread over the outer place of the marriage hall. And all the men will be equipped with weapons like Glock 9mm pistols, 9mm Uzi sub-machine guns, 5.56mm M-16A2s, 9mm Heckler & Kosch MP5-A2/A3s… and all having compatible laser image intensifiers, i.e, laser pointers & their helmets fitted with night vision cameras. Also, they would b covered with all the necessary protective gears. To check the wherebouts & the surroundings of the venue, a 30 men search party will be used which will have mine detectors too………………..JUST IN-CASE!!!!
Those men who would have my special interest & liking would be given one of the special designations a man could achieve: SNIPER. Those men would be spread all over the roofs & windows near the marriage hall, well equipped with semi-automatic H&K 7.62mm PSG 1 and MSG-90, SIG 7.62mm, SSG-2000 and the bolt-action Mauser SP66/86SR….all fitted with night vision 14X binoculars & spotters……………JUST IN-CASE!!!!!


Then comes the arrangement within the premises (my fav. Part). Around 90-100 men will be deployed without uniforms, wearing black suits & glasses, side-arms. All of them trained from the renowned South Korean Security & Bodyguard Agency. Out of all these, around 45 will be working as UNDER COVER AGENTS…easily spotted all over the place, as they’ll be covering themselves with bed-sheets…… “under cover agents, u see”. The rest will be having walkie talkies fitted within their suits & keeping eye on each & every movement of the guests. The gates of the venue will be having 2 metal detectors, 4 personnel each kept on single gate for personal search. The first 2 security people will just hand search guests, the other 2 will hand search again, but in a rude manner. When asked the reason why being searched the second time, it’ll be said “inhe to haath maarne ki aadat hai”.


Then there will be sniffer dogs being set free all over the place…see, it helps in many ways. 1st, rude guests behave. 2ndly, if bribed properly, they help in luring hot chicks (chicks love dogs) & also letting know which chick’s worth hitting & which all are worth throwing in the river. Once the dog finds a chick good enough to be flirted with, he shows a green signal (that of a rail master at railway stations) or he does the THUMB-UP action with a smile. If not, he marks the girl CROSS WITH A RED MARKER & leaves them for the ASSETS* to be handled (* = u need to watch The Bourne series movies to understand this word). Those girls who would smell bad, the dogs would signal for the N.B.C WARFARE DEPT. (NBC stands for nuclear, biological, chemical) who would come down & clean up the chick & spray disinfectants, fertilizers, & finally, a tinch of perfume. Oh, I forgot…they also help in keeping sarcastic people away, for which all this preparation has been done.
There also will be microphones installed within all the flower decorations & small security cameras among artifacts & showpieces. Close circuit cameras or CCTV’s installed at almost every place, even trees, ladies washrooms & bedrooms, not only at the venue but for the nearby homes too.


At the stage, where Jai-Mala would be taking place, there would be 4 personnel with tazer guns standing so that they could keep the photographers, paparazzi’s, media persons, camera men away from the wedding couple (that’ll be me & my fiancé, for those who try too hard….to understand). Guests who’ll be arriving on stage to bless the couple will first be asked for identity proofs, taken finger prints, taken mugshots* all sides (* = means the pics taken when a person has been taken into custody). And the each photograph will have the security men in it…..looking at the guests in a interrogative manner. 2 men will be out there to note down the number plates of all the cars arrived at the venue. The catering people will be under the watchful & strict eyes of men from US-FDA, who would be following the GOOD LAB PRACTICES ACT on each & every cuisine being prepared. Before serving the food to the guests, & me ofcourse, it’ll be mandate to first make the US-FDA people taste, and unless they do not give a nod ( mind it, just a nod), the food would not be served. The caterer who’ll be serving the guests would be escorted with a security man who would always push the caterer just before he serves the guests by saying “aage chal na!”.


When the Havan & rituals of the marriage would start, 3 trucks from LOS ANGELES FIRE DEPARTMENT(coz they deal with California wild fires every yr.) would be standing nearby…….…JUST IN-CASE !!!!! The pandit, who would be reading the holy scripts & mantras for the marriage would be monitored closely by the Bio-mechanics team who would wire him up with sensors all over the body. He would be brain mapped so that it could be known if he has any intentions of ruining the marriage. Not only this, there would be a 3 member translator team from Louvre Museum, France sitting next to the pandit, so that they would de-code any irregular message sent out to the ENEMY !!!!


Once the rituals are over, & the wedding couple is to leave for their place, the car which is to be used will be either the one which US president uses, or it’ll be the TATRAPAN 6x6 anti-mine ambush vehicle ( http://www.vyvoj.sk/en/index.php?id=tatrapan ). After we’ve left the venue, it’ll be under the cleaning party who’ll check for booby traps, leftovers & other stuff.


When the green signal has been given for all clear, then invitations would be send to those persons for whom this SMALL preparation had been taken. For me, that is the least I could do to keep such people away so that they do not crack sarcasm at me during the whole function, coz honestly, when u face heavy duty sarcastic people spit-firing those sarcasms & jokes at you, u pray to god its better to face a terrorist situation than to listen those crack-a-lacking stuff. People, I’ve done my part of the arrangement, what’s urs??????